WARNING: This post may come across as very cliché, as the above title and below picture suggest. I will try to avoid sounding the tired, self-help cymbal that encourages us “to be who we are,” or to “slow down and just be.” There are reasons clichés become clichéd, as they contain some level of truth that many people can relate to–thus they are repeated often. But I will try to be fresh and original here…time will tell. Regardless, I encourage you to read on.
I woke up anxious. That always happens when I sleep past an alarm that I set for myself. It’s largely subconscious, even if, like today, I had nowhere to be and nothing urgent to do in those early hours I missed.
I rolled out of bed, anxious, down, feeling like I missed out on the opportunity of time.
For a little bit of context: I got really good at sleeping past alarms in college, when I had a roommate who’s alarm would go off at five every morning, but who would not wake up until about seven and who would allow his alarm to ring periodically in-between.
I can’t entirely blame him. Perhaps someone similarly close to him practiced the same behavior, thus instigating the pernicious cycle. I’ve carried it on since then, to the detriment of my wife.
There was some reason to be anxious besides just sleeping past my alarm this morning. I was finishing my first week at a new job, and still very much need to process (and look back at, to make sure I didn’t miss anything) the flood of information that came my way. There are bills to be paid, one of which I cannot track down physically or online, another that has recently mysteriously doubled in amount. I have to plan for the week to come, and shore things up regarding our recent move cross-country.
And this is where, I recognize, it probably starts to sound cliché. Because we all have these worries, these items that demand attention. And we also each have the decision of how to deal with them: bury, put off, pretend nonexistence, deal with immediately…clearly certain options are better than others.
There are incredibly positive aspects of how we’ve decided to live in today’s world (electricity, running water, modern medicine), and conversely negative ones (crowding, rushing, unrest and perpetual fatigue); these have been discussed ad nauseum, as have the theoretical cures for the negative societal features (yoga, meditation, creating margin, etc.). Different methods work for different people…for me, I’m most stressed when I haven’t read in a while. A quick hit of this drug reenergizes me quickly.
Another helpful method for me is self-talk. I’ve learned to tell myself, somewhat effectively after some repitition, that “It doesn’t do any good to stress. Everything is alright. Keep moving.”
Those were the kinds of things I was telling myself this morning, to combat the equally repetitious and uncontrollable din of negativity, felt mostly in my solar plexus.
And into my consciousness floated a familiar saying:
“You are a human being, not a human doing.”
(Apparently the original source of this statement has been lost to the ether of the oft-quoted).
The first few times I heard this statement, I thought it to be simplistic and a cheap play on words. Not much to dwell on there.
So I was surprised that it come to the front of my consciousness in a moment of semi-crisis. And after a little unpacking and rumination on its implications, I even experienced some comfort.
My new interpretation was something like this: I first have to be, keeping myself steady in low moments, and surviving in the lowest. Then and only then can I do…anything!
So I must respond to the voice that tells me I’m useless if I’m not achieving or producing, and first give myself kindness. Give myself a little time to get off the ground, before taking a step forward.
And I find this to be not only a lesson in treating myself well (although that is important) but also a practical first action when I feel low, a useful weapon in the arsenal against self-destruction. Center, stand up, observe surroundings, then move.
Such were my thoughts as I drove to the Dark Heart Coffee Bar to start on that list of nagging items. And then, in the bathroom there, I found the decoration pictured above: a black wall, scrawled with a golden “Be.”, illuminated by a hanging lightbulb.
I took it as confirmation, and took heart.
~~~
Soundtrack to this article: “Low” by Surfaces
Modern Belief 